Beowulf (2007)
An epic tale concerning a 6th-century Scandinavian warrior named Beowulf and his mission to slay the manlike ogre Grendel, a descendant of Cain.
I watched the director's cut DVD a long time ago (well, some of it). Yeah, it's pretty old. But this review is for the people who haven't seen Beowulf yet (basically no one), and are thinking of buying the DVD, if they haven't already.
Don't. The reason why? It sucks.
So, I was sitting on my bed. I waited in anticipation for the movie to start, listening to the supsensful warrior music building up. And finally, here it comes, the coolest-looking movie begins........in the midst of a drunken party, with a fat, half-nude digi-Anthony Hopkins orchestrating. Okay, so not what I expected. I also didn't expect to see a man tackle a woman to the ground, lift her dress, and apparently give her cunnilingus (but don't worry, it was covered by a table). Nor did I expect-or really desire-to see another man mopping his tongue accross a maiden's bust. Yep.
So, about-ohhh-two minutes into the movie, I'm ready to turn it off. But, I give it some time to see what happens next. Oh yeah, some mentally retarded, 5-year-old burn victim-named Grendel-get's a headache from the noise of their fratboy fun, and comes over to poop the party. Overly-barbaric mindless violence and gore ensues.
So, everyone, except the king-whose toga keeps slipping off his body....*shutter*-and his whore (or daughter, frankly I don't really care which) get brutally killed, and blah blah blah, Beowulf comes to save him some days (or just one day, again, I don't care) later. By now, I'm expecting some quality action and well-thought out battling. Oh, hey, no.
he strips naked, swings from a chandelier, and snaps Grendel's arm off in a door, after introducing himself of course. Movie's over for me.
It's a brutish, hypersexual load of meaningless waste (from what I saw, but I doubt it got any better). Not to mention the digital renderings (because why use actors when you can clone them in such detailed CGI so they look EXACTLY THE SAME?) look all creepy and hollow. Unfortunately, the lowest rating possible was 1 star.
