In case, for whatever reason, you decided to skip this movie and now you're considering watching it again.. Your initial decision was the right one. I assure you.
I just finished watching MMT and it inspired me (in the bad way) enough to actually write a movie review for it - something I haven't done in months. And I watch movies all the time. You can imagine what a bad surprise this has been.
Okay so the movie starts interesting.. Recognizable and talented cast, well known albeit Japanese director and our beloved Clive Barker as co-writer.
It's intriguing, it is. The photographer idea is fresh even after Shutter; the butchering is original because let's face it - a butcher killing people after midnight in the subway? Excellent idea!
So the movie progresses interesting - the main character, who is the photographer by the way, has people he cares about, has a purpose and on top of it all is damn good at 'secret detective' job that even the police in that darn city won't do.
And what happens next.. as the movie comes closer to its end, things get even more exciting. More people start missing, our dear photographer is going out of his way to defeat the mean killing machine on the "Midnight Meat Train", his girlfriend is in danger; both of them almost get killed and then....
Human eating, butt ugly, stupid but vicious monsters. MONSTERS, okay?! After all this promising plot and amazing acting .. we're stuck with monsters again.
So it turns out these monsters are for some reason extremely important. That reason is not revealed but the audience is supposed to assume that people on the train have been killed to feed the monsters in order for the monsters not to go out in the real world and kill other people.
Because, you see, appointing one man to slay people FOR the monsters is a much better idea than to try to kill the monsters (who were by the way around 10, maybe even less).
The girlfriend gets killed.
A friend of the photographer also gets killed.
And the main character himself is appointed to be the new "butcher". Of course, after seeing his girl get murdered brutally, he jumps at the opportunity to serve some brainless "billion years old" beasts as the others have. The others being a cop, a few butchers and the man who drives the subway. That little secret KILL TO FEED mission has been going on for years but of course - nobody did darn to stop it or somehow fix things. Realistic, huh?
Awesome. Just awesome.
In case you can't sense the irony, what I mean is - the ending is bullshit. It ruins the whole movie and leaves you not only unimpressed but also angry for wasting an hour and a half. Damn.
To quote a fellow movie critic - Be afraid of The Unborn because it sucks.
The trailer of the movie was indeed promising, although judging by the release date... we should have known better. All of us poor suckers that sat for 90 minutes, forced to watch with horror. No, not horror born from fear, but horror born from boredom that eats at your pride until you feel like killing yourself - all that not even half way into the movie.
I went to see The Unborn because it seemed promising. David Goyer gave us Blade (all three parts of it) and was partly responsible for The Dark Knight's brilliance but with The Unborn? He did an awful job. And I hope he knows it, because everybody who's seen the movie so far sure does.
While fighting desperately for my above mentioned pride and rolling my eyes at the half naked lead, I couldn't help but wonder - who's crazier? Me for sitting stoically while yet another "horror" movie falls apart in front of my eyes or actors such as Gary Oldman and Carla Gugino for actually agreeing to contribute to the lameness that The Unborn is. Those usually good actors don't manage to make the movie more than it is - a third (yes, third, not even second) rate pretend-scary movie with more than unimpressive basic idea.
First let's discuss the lead. Odette Yustman, known from Cloverfield, is Jessica Alba and Megan Fox morphed into one. And while that combination makes her oh so tall, skinny and cute, she can't act if her life depended on it. Throughout the entire movie, I had to force myself, again and again, to try and care for the main character Casey but to no avail. Yustman is a bad bad actress and without a doubt the second biggest reason for the movie's failure. In the sad scenes, she cried a little; in the "scary" ones she screamed, both of which she did horribly. Casey is supposed to be going through something truly terrible yet her best friend Romy (Meagan Good) looks far more convincing in the couple of scenes she can before she gets killed off. Bravo, Mr. Goyer, the only talented young actor of the cast had to die first - truly something that will help for The Unborn to be remembered.
For all the horror fans out there - if you decide to see The Unborn, you will be watching something you've already seen. Even though you may not decide exactly from where but every "frightening" idea in the movie originated in another movie. The twins idea reminds of Constantine, the creepy kid is something between The Omen and Silent Hill (wait, there are too creepy kids, so just have your pick), the bugs and the not so creepy but very boring lines such as "Jumby wants to be born now" are like quoting of The Shining. The little demon might as well have been saying "Here's Jumby!" every time he appeared on screen. At least then the audience would have been laughing at the good memories, instead of the awfulness of The Unscary.
I had nightmares after watching The Unborn. In the morning I couldn't quite decide why that was. I had had no trouble going to sleep because the movie hadn't managed to scare me more than once, if that, but then I realized that the whole idea was scary. It's horrifying how someone could get ideas from good horror movies and turn them into one extremely bad pretend-horror. There's terror in the thought that there might be a sequel to this movie, not just because Hollywood has a tradition of making sequels for sucky movies (such as Jeepers Creepers and The Hills Have Eyes) but also because it left an opening ending. Thanks to that final promising scene I'll probably have nightmares for another week but when the sequel comes out - I will be ready. I'll warn my friends and give out links to this review because no self respecting movie fan deserves to sit through a movie that is so lame it makes you want to cry. Or laugh. Some people in the audience did both and that is exactly how desperate you can get if you ignore the warning below.
The Unborn? Skip it.
Vampires are all about two things - blood and sex.
In Twilight, we get neither. In this movie there's a bunch of pretty people, playing baseball using their superpowers. The moment the term 'vampires' is introduced, any self respecting vampire fan would want to bang their head against the wall until they pass out. Not because they bought the ticket or rented/downloaded the movie but because these guys are a complete and utter joke compared to the real thing.
Half an hour in, one of the main characters Edward is asking if he's the bad guy. His little sweetheart, upon who he gazes (and does pretty much nothing else) during the whole movie, Bella doesn't believe him however. Neither do we. Edward may be a pretty kid that glitters in the sunlight but his monologue "I'm so dangerous, I could outrun you, I could suck your blood like a blood junkie.." is laughable. He's not a bad guy, not in the least. His routine of stalking Bella during the night however, is more than a little creepy. "I like watching you sleep." The girl found that romantic while in real life, if you're a mentally stable person, you'd be freaked out and for a good reason.
Finally, I'm going to say that I'm glad this plot was limited in two hours. If it were any longer, I would have followed that guy who left the movie theater an hour after the movie started.
Now I am fully aware that this is a teen romance, so if you're a teenage girl, aged from 12 to 16, chances are - you're going to love it. All the others? Don't bother watching Twilight or you will curse yourself afterward forever.
Me, I have a new found respect for myself as I stoically watched the whole thing. Maybe we should put Edward on the test too. See if he can handle watching himself act like a total sissy for 120 minutes while shamelessly calling himself a vampire.
Lost Boys 2: The Tribe comes as a surprise to most people. After waiting 20 years, less for some people, we finally get a sequel.
I stream the movie, excited and more than just a little optimistic. I even punish myself mentally for not having watched it on the big screen.
Ten minutes in the movie, my enthusiasm is slowly getting lost in the horrible performance of Autumn Reeser (who plays Nicole Emerson, the lead's sister). I wonder why I haven't heard of this girl before but the answer is right in front of me - the girl can't act if her life depended on it.
So instead I try to focus on her 'brother' Chris (played by Tad Hilgenbrink). Now Tad does a better job throughout the whole movie. But his show of talent, and perhaps a little effort, is not nearly enough to make up for other leaks in the movie.
Such as the mere appearing of the "vampire hunter" let alone non-convincing performance. I don't blame it on Corey Feldman. He's not a bad actor, not at all. But he must have been having serious problems the day he actually took the part of Edgar Frog - a laughable character that serves only to annoy you while you wait impatient, tapping your foot and muttering under your breath things like "I see the vampire hunter, but where the hell are the vampires?!".
Enough on the actors and their characters although I can hardly stop myself from expressing my disappointment in the so called "Tribe". What I'm going to say is that all of the boys fit the others of the cast perfectly. Except maybe for Tad Hilgenbrink who's talent eventually gets lost in the huge mess that Lost Boys 2 is.
Half way through the movie I'm feeling dizzy from all the cheesy dialogue and ridiculous effects, that might as well not be there and I'm contemplating stopping the damn movie.
Then a ray of light emerges when we finally see some vampire-on-the-hunt action. Only these vampires don't hide in the shadows and seduce or scare people to death; they don't have style and flare, no. They go on a beach party with a couple of dumb chicks that laugh idiotically when one of the lost boys tells a ridiculous joke.. right before he admits that they're vampires. The girls don't believe them, so the boys go scary and pounce on them like wolves on sheep. You'd think it looked as good as it sounds. It didn't.
Director P.J. Pesce does a horrible job when it comes to the most important scenes - the feeding of our beloved monsters. The camera captures all the wrong things at exactly the wrong moments until your eyes are going crazy, trying to fix on the part where the vampires actually feed on the girls.
Yes, unlike Twilight, Lost Boys 2 has real vampires - cunning, vicious and proud of it. There was some potential in the plot, but not nearly enough. It also gets lost in the horrible acting and the horrible direction.
If only the 'vampires' had done a better job when they didn't have appropriate make up and dramatic sound effects to go along with their uneven performances. If only the 'hunter' wasn't such a nut job and actually knew a damn thing about vampires. If only Pesce had put some real effort.
If only they'd called the movie Lost Boys 2: A sequel-disgrace to it's brilliant original Lost Boys (1987). Then at least us fellow vampire fans would have not wasted an hour and a half, getting disappointed by Hollywood yet again.
An action movie anticipated from many many fans, including myself.
I decided it was worth going to 'the big screen' for it so I took a friend and persuaded her into watching an action for once in her life.
And then later on, I felt like I betrayed her.
Transporter 3 didn't offer anything new. At least not in the good way.
While in previous movies, Frank Martin, has some damn good common sense, in this movie he falls victim of .. yes, you guessed it, 'love'. I wasn't impressed in the least when half way through the movie, our dear Frank bumps uglies with Valentina, a girl he knows absolutely nothing about except that she's wearing a short sparkly dress and that she likes eating. A lot. She also likes to get stoned, drunk and then pee in public.
Aside from being very tall and unmistakably charming even when stoned, the girl appears to be a little over 20 years old and I find myself praying that Frank isn't doing something illegal.
Valentina is not likable for sure, but somehow she manages to wrap Frank in her little web of hollow words and lusty gazes until he gives into her 'charm.'
Enough on the girl. It was frustrating enough that she seemed to be there to stay.
On a much more positive note, we don't see a typical bad guy in Transporter 3. Because honestly, we're tired of typical bad guys. Masterminds that you immediately have to force yourself to think 'this guy really is something. Genius but evil'. Blah.
No, in the third part of our beloved Transporters we see Robert Knepper (Prison Break) as simply Johnson, in his own words a person who doesn't enjoy confrontation but likes to get the job done. No matter what it takes. In my book while that is not all that believable (considering it's coming from the villain of the story) it certainly is likable if chosen to be taken as the truth.
And back to our dear Frank, the good bad guy. Ultimately badass and undeniably sexy, Frank does what he does best - he fights with passion , drives his car with speed and love and takes off his shirt for all of us to see. And mainly apparently Valentina.
Damn, back to the girl again.
This is where I decide to end my review. In short - Transporter doesn't really offer anything new but if you liked the first two movies, you're most likely to like this one as well. Me? I wouldn't watch it a second time. I can't stand to see a character so hard to get to as Frank being charmed by a slutty Ukrainian who may or may not be old enough for him to hook up with.
If you feel like wasting time and watching something distastefully done and gory then Pathology is just for you.
In a typical Hollywood Horror fashion, we see a lot of blood, people's insides on the outside and almost too graphic sex scenes.
The way I see it, the actors did the best they could with their parts but the enormous leak in the script is just there and no amount of acting talent could make up for it.
Ventimiglia and Weston give good performances and almost manage to make the movie exciting near the end.
The main idea of the so called plot is apparently the nature of human kind and what people are capable of doing - an idea that is fast becoming overused and in this movie it's not even that well done.
To sum it up - I wouldn't recommend this movie to any person whom I find completely sane but then again Pathology managed to make me wonder - Are there sane people at all or is the making of such movies proof that people are indeed sick to their very core.